your life before your eyes? (do not read this i swear)
jia you are so elegant with your writing, i'm just blown away by the journey (the journey was the rollercoaster of bad grammar)
before your eyes is an indie game, where it shows you the life of a soul as it journeys from birth to death. each time you blink, it could move time forward a second to a few years.
i immediately loved the concept, oddly enough finding it on netflix in their new experimental games section. I promptly downloaded the game on steam, wincing at the $9 because I’m not used to spending money on video games. I played it the full way through until 3am. unexpectedly ended up full-on sobbing loudly and putting my blanket over my face so my roommates wouldn’t hear.
there were two few reasons this hit me hard. One, I was raised with music like a stereotypical asian girl. Two, I feel as if i’m hyperconscious of time. I’m not really present. I’m usually thinking about the past or future.
a few takeaways: it made me more conscious of current choices I was making in my life. if i had been back home, i’d have still been surrounded by the limiting beliefs of my family
i thought back to my own life, and visualized the current choices I made, a blink away.
since middle school, I had always wished life moved faster. I vividly remember lying awake and closing my eyes, in the black expanse of my shut lids, i’d picture myself older, and that i’d open my eyes in a different bed. I’d open my eyes, and remain 12, in my old room in the house I grew up in in okemos, michigan, surrounded by my cardboard birds and walls covered in drawings and inventions.
the other day, I laid on my mattress on the floor in an unfurnished room in twin peaks, san francisco. closed my eyes, and pretended I had actually transported myself from my 12 year old self to my 21 year old body, laying there. i spent a few minutes trying to remember how I felt laying that same way at 12, and immerse myself in the unknowingness and naivety. when i opened my eyes, i momentarily felt like i was that 12 year old. “how did i get here?” “why am i on the floor” and then my accomplishments washed over my memory and I remember feeling pride and gratitude. After I caught myself up to present day, I remember feeling glad. Hey, my 12 year old self actually would be proud of me.
My life, as if it were in before your eyes:
5 years old, playing the right hand on piano, my dad sitting on the bench, playing the left hand. we then start to play whatever we want on the keys, a jumble of random notes, incoherent and loud, but passionate. We’re laughing.
*blink*
8 years old, heartbeat racing, playing a concerto in front of an audience of 100. I breathe deep and draw the bow across string, close my eyes and feel the emotion. “That was incredible, she’s so talented. You did a great job, Lan (My mom)"*
*blink*
9 years old, writing in my first ever journal after being inspired by anne frank. “I’m audrey, this is my first journal, I will be calling you Loserface, haha” “dear audrey, this is for you in high school”
*blink*
11 years old. “she’s such a sensitive kid” “i mean, there is nothing wrong with that”
*blink*
12 years old, the smell of paint as I dip my paintbrush into water to paint the cardboard mechanical bird I made with my aunt
“Aunty Amy, when I’m older, I want to be an inventor”
*blink*
13 years old, “Mom, I’m just not smart, I just can’t do anything”
“Never, ever talk about yourself like that. Not in your head or out loud”
*blink*
15 years old. posting my first singing video online. it barely got 200 views
*blink*
15 years old, crying in my closet, writing in my stack of journals. “I hate my parents, I hate myself, I’m a failure. They’re so strict and they always yell at me. I swear on everything I will get out of this house, I’ll become so rich and I won’t need anyone”
*blink*
17 years old, face oily from manning the fryer at Culver’s “Audrey, you’re doing so well, you’re like my padawan” (my manager) “we got 7 hours left on this shift, we got this*
*blink*
19 years old, I go to my first hackathon. I lose. I grab a raspberry pi pico from the sponsor booths AI Futures Department of Defense Pi Pico Competition open now, enter here!
*blink*
19 years old, two months later. Spontaneously joining a Michigan State AI Club Meeting, because AI Futures was going to be there. “And among all the national participants, we had two first place winners from Michigan State, actually. Adrian, and Audrey”
“haha why did you expose me”
clapping. the whole eboard of the AI Club comes up, introducing themselves to me. Including the president.
“I’m Gabriel. I’d like you to apply for E-board for AI Club”
“But I don’t have prior experience.. this is my first meeting”
“Apply anyways :)”
*blink*
19 years old, a girl who I met in AI Club at the time (she became my girlfriend at the time), at the lunch table at the snyder phillips dining hall “You really should switch your major from finance to computer engineering if you’re thinking about it. You got this!”
*blink*
20 years old. “I think 20 hackathon wins is enough. I’m going to start a long term project” content creation platforms grew it 110k everywhere. 20 million views everywhere.
*blink*
We’re pleased to offer you a software engineering internship at Disney Animation Studios
“Ohh haha, I’ll turn it down. I have to focus on the company. Raising money from VCs is reason enough”
*blink*
March 2025. 21 years old, “Audrey-” “oh haha i forgot to tell you, i go by jia now.” “do you call your parents?” “no, I haven’t called them for the last 3 months”
I return to coding
*blink*
June 24th, 21 years old. I’m sitting at a coffee shop in the castro. Poesia cafe, precisely.
I look at my own hands typing on this keyboard. A silver ring with a treble clef on my left pointer finger, bracelet from my best friend on my right wrist.
What Was I Made For? by Billie eilish plays, almost too poetically on time. and I take a deep breath so the tears don’t fall.
pls don’t flame me I wrote this in one take with no ai okay